Chantal - Have Laptop Will Travel: Fragments

May 22, 2006

Fragments

It’s approaching 3am, but it’s been a shitty week and a shittier weekend, and I’m listening to my favourite Cuban musician, idly wandering around San Cristóbal (Mexico) and Guatemala while I read.

In nearly 11 weeks, I’ve not paused long enough to stop and think, or so it seems. I’ve been working hard at enjoying my time in London, however temporary it might be, but then something shitty like yesterday comes along and blows it all.

I don’t know why I’m thinking of Mexico instead of Guatemala; although life in Guatemala was far from enriched, at least it was mostly predictable: the sun would shine, I would avoid my old office, and I’d go out once or twice a week and see the same faces. When I found that Dikla’d left, I was devastated.

Probably the reason that life seems more complicated in London is that I have more friends here, each with their own schedule and agenda, and juggling those can be exhausting. Or frustrating or depressing, but that depends on the day. And person.

Maybe of Guatemala, there are too many things to list which is why I’m thinking of Mexico instead – and also, Mexico was always a viable long-term destination, which Guatemala was never intended to be.

San Cristóbal – I think I’ve not yet described (on here) the epic journey there – but arriving there finally after about 14 hours, and 7 ½ years – 14 ½ years in my mother’s case. Dinner in the restaurant of the hotel we’d stayed at all those years ago; drinks afterwards in the bar where Margarita and I’d watched the World Cup semifinal. Spending our days trying to revisit mine and Margarita’s haunts, always ending up back at the same bar for our final tequilas and cubas. The bliss of real-life Mexican tacos, only for my mother to get violently ill; no more tacos after that. The shock of finding that San Cristóbal, probably the poorest mini-city in Mexico, is turning into a mini-Barcelona. The Zapatistas starting their tour of the country; though I didn’t see Marcos, we caught them on various occasions during the day, and at night, when it was around -2 degrees Celsius, I wandered through the park as they settled, amazed by the range of people within their group. A week or so ago, I saw that they’d finally made it to Mexico City, and silently cheered. It’s impossible to see something like their procession and not be moved.

Maybe I wasn’t particularly happy in Guatemala, but at least I didn’t spend my time trying hard to keep positive. Life there, and in Mexico, was simple and straightforward; it never feels like that here. Here, I have friends I don’t see nearly often enough, I have my dance classes, yoga and pilates classes – I’ve had to abandon my 10-mile Sunday walks, and yet of that list, the dance classes are the only things I really do for myself. I have friends with varying stages of emotional deficiencies – and a profound sense that London doesn’t want me to be here, most profoundly reinforced by yesterday’s break-in – and Friend’s complete indifference to it, as to the fresh scabs on my face.

The week before last, I bumped into Maria – my best friend from several years ago – at the dance school, so we caught up briefly after class. Tuesday was my only evening at home, and I spent that horribly stressed while trying to work on the latest website. Wednesday I was out with my dance teacher, a few of the students, and her former accompanist (after her teasing me the week before about always being the last one out of the pub, even back then, I had to shove her and the rest out of O’Neills around midnight so I could catch the last tube home). Thursday, my uni friends, and some authentic Mexican food. Friday, a Project party; Matt and I relocated to the Rose & Crown, probably the first time I’ve actually seen him on his own since I’ve been back. Saturday, Martin – we’d had a detailed agenda for the night’s conversation, but not only did it not stand a chance due to me arriving so late, but the night carried on till about 5am.

Weeks like that are lovely, if exhausting and draining. The way I feel now, I can bottle the memories and value the diversity of the week; or I can use it towards grounds for staying longer-term. I suppose I really need to set aside Thinking Time to decide either way, but for all this time, all decisions have been in the hands of someone else who seems to have no inclinations to decide, much less talk.

The psychic I went to see a fortnight ago told me to go easy on Friend, not to rush anything, and to more or less wait till the end of next month (as opposed to this one) before making any rash decisions. I’m almost tempted to throttle the crap out of Friend (watching TV downstairs, studying or not studying) if only to get a reaction out of him, but I suppose sleep is more important.

I’ll deal with next week when it arrives. Albeit in a few hours.

Posted by chantal at May 22, 2006 01:15 AM

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