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March 01, 2005
Speak The Word
It’s my first day of being unemployed again. In the last five months since leaving the Project, I’ve spent three weeks working for Lewisham Council chatting all day with my colleagues, three months constantly swapping jokes with my one friend at work, then another month looking like I was about to burst into tears at any minute.
That one month did teach me to search hard for anything that would make me happy, be it trawling through sheet music, books, herbal tea, curled up in the non-smoking room at work reading a good book, chatting to ex-colleagues on Messenger, or generally hijacking the Forum, remembering how huge a part of my life it was before I left the Project. The reason I needed all that was that I was stuck in a job where I had no social interaction at all, no work to do; boredom and lack of social contact are probably the two things I’ve never been able to cope with.
Which means being out of work is going to be a very disturbing experience. I basically slept all weekend, was on Messenger till 4am this morning, struggled to appear human during this morning’s job interview, grunted at my flatmate when I got home and immediately collapsed in bed. I know that sounds like a cliché, but really, muscles really do cease to exist when you reach that state of suffering. Briefly chatted to flatmate when I resurfaced, briefly chatted on the phone to Hang at the Chinese takeaway, then for about an hour when I went to pick up my dinner – I offered to help her out, as it doesn’t seem like I’ll have anything else to do for a while – and have spent the last few hours chatting online with a Forum friend. And that’s my first day.
Normally I hear from ex-colleagues that they see me as loud, friendly, sociable – not to mention quite a few other adjectives – what I’m starting to hear now is that they also see me as needing a lot of social contact, which is not something I’ve expected to hear. Certainly my last job has more than taught me how true that is – being accustomed to knowing all the smokers within a week, and the non-smokers by the end of the second week, being dependent on only one friend for months has been a shock, not to mention having to adjust to him leaving a month before I did, and having to spend that whole month in silence.
So what my last job taught me is that that’s true – that I do crave and need human contact on a near-constant basis, but I don’t want to believe there’s anything bizarre about that. Just as I have never felt at home in England, back in Central America, life is lived externally, whether through carting your tables and chairs onto the pavement and spending the evening there, or simply maintaining a lifestyle where human contact plays a large part. Bartering is not about getting the best deal you can and ripping off a vendor, it’s about the social byplay involved, to make a transaction more than an impersonal event. When you walk down a street, you make eye contact and say hello to all that you pass. Many of the friends I’ve had are due to sitting next to them in random cafes or buses, and I’ve not questioned that, any more than the fact that many of my friends are people I’ve not actually met.
My mother maintains a very reclusive lifestyle back home, but she has repeatedly said that the key thing which distinguishes living in Guatemala from London or the States is the personal contact she has with the people she relies on – from bonding with her vet, receiving Christmas presents from her deli, the very sweet little man who is her tailor but botched repairing the pockets of my long leather jacket, her florists and all rest who help her maintain her lifestyle – and having that contact helps balance out the solitude of her lifestyle, just as my ex-colleagues do for me.
Unfortunately the Council of British Archaeology doesn’t archive its articles, at least not as far back as I’m looking; one of our lecturers, Gustav Milne, once wrote an article for them which discussed how little hominid life has evolved from caveman days, in that we are all designed to live in closeknit communities, and how we compensate when that is taken away from us, given modern society’s constraints. Curtain-twitching and soap operas were examples of how we attempt to bond with an external community in compensation, shopping and football were substitutes for the normal chores of hunting and gathering. Certainly each culture has evolved in its own way, apparently with England and the States the hastiest to shrug off any ties to the family unit, other cultures retaining their links and nurturing them regardless of actual closeness.
We all need a community, whether it’s composed of our family or people from a similar background. Gina, who I met in December, had only been in London a short while and had already formed a closeknit circle of fellow Latinos; Fil has his brothers and cousins who are based here; Sammi has her mix of extremely neurotic teenage schoolfriends and adult Forum members; my stepfather never got around to learning English properly, even after around 30 years of living in London, because his entire social network consisted of fellow Chilean exiles. In the short few years that he and my mother spent together, everyone’s English and Spanish deteriorated noticeably.
The reason I’ve spent so much time thinking about communities recently and what they mean is because I don’t have an obvious one. My family covers Germany, Poland, Russia, the Philippines, Mexico, Guatemala, America, Holland, Scotland and Ireland, which means that none of the relevant communities are going to be particularly open to me. Nor would I feel comfortable among the London-based Mexicans or other Latinos, knowing that I’m only with them as a favour. It also doesn’t help that half-Mexicans have a reputation for being particularly, um, weird.
So my community is primarily based of ex-colleagues – who I ardently wish were still colleagues – but that makes full sense to me, given I’ve spent forty hours a week with them, which is far more than can be said for my other friends. Even in my dancing days, I’d only spend about 15 hours weekly in the studio, and even then it would erratic who’d be able to make it. (Not to mention about four hours a week in the pub with them, although that mostly depended on John and whenever he decided to leave). God only knows what they made of me on the Project – with my overactive humour, my desktop rainforest, my pharmacy of herbal teas and tendency towards bizarre error messages – the only feedback I’ve had since is from my new ex-colleague, who I’ve gone out of my way not to help, is that I’m a stroppy cow. I still chat to Zak from Lewisham pretty much every day, so I can’t imagine they thought too badly of me there.
But I’m digressing. It’s after 3.30 am, I’m tired, and my bed and Discman are calling me. Point: we all need a community to call our own. Whether it’s of friends like us, or friends we want to be like, we still hunt them out regardless until we have them, till they complement us or maybe offer us something to aspire to. Because we all need both - companionship and pointers where to head next, otherwise we’d be no better than proverbial cavemen, sealing up the entrances and living out our lifetimes dwelling inside our own heads. For me, my happiest times have been when I’ve had circles of friends around me, and my inspirations have come from passing friends and authors, and having memories to chuckle over mean most of all. People are all fundamentally the same, which no doubt means that the same matters to everyone else too. Yes, some people do seek out solitude, but being alone is unnatural, just as being unloved is painful.
It’s 4.15am now. God I’m tired, and I still need to wrestle my sleeping bag (wrapped around me for most of the evening as it’s been so cold) back onto my bed. I try not to question that most of my social contact is virtual – email, Messenger, texting, Forum; similarly, I try hard not to think of the financial issue which would let me maintain those friendships from elsewhere. Much as I need constant contact with all of them, none of them particularly need me to be based in London, or England, any more than I myself need to be based here any longer. And yet, I can never stop thinking – today – that it’s not enough. Messenger, Forum, email, friendly shopkeepers – I’ve had two conversations and one argument today, and what those people said is true, I really am someone who needs so much more than that, be it random conversations with complete strangers or quality conversations with good friends. It just took four months of a job I loathed almost every second of to teach me exactly how out of step my social needs are with what I can expect whilst living here. And yet, six years ago, I chose to stay here for the friends I had; and even now, I’ll still choose to do the same.
Posted by chantal at March 1, 2005 04:35 AM
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