Chantal - Have Laptop Will Travel: Salida

December 06, 2004

Salida

Probably I can blame Fill for my decision to leave England for good. He’s on leave for the next few days, however, so hopefully I can have reached a concrete decision by the next time I see him. Failing that, I’ll have decapitated a few people.

For the erratic readers of these websites, Fill (Filipe) is my sole friend at work. We swap jokes which Dominic says should never see the light of day, and spend our fag breaks moaning about our jobs. When I’m standing at London Bridge or Waterloo East, waiting for my train home, I’ll still be chuckling over the day’s jokes.

It was never my plan to stay in England for this long. The last time leaving was a reality was four years ago, but I chose to stay as I didn’t feel I could just run away, no matter how easy it may have been then. I’ve known ever since, however, that I would leave, if not where to and when. My goal has always been to return to Mexico, and now seems to be the ideal time to do that.

I’m not running away any more. No doubt I could stay for Sammi and Ana, the only two who care about my thoughts around leaving, or maybe who are still awake at this hour, but I can’t get away from this feeling that living in London is a lot like having your heart ripped out from your chest and trampled on constantly till it finally gives up beating. My life is about caring for others; I can’t do a whole lot if my heart is bruised beyond repair.

I’ve spent this weekend wandering around my flat, observing what I have, and seeing packing crates at all times. When I don’t see the packing crates, I see sticky labels, either noting what’s to go into storage, what’s to be shipped, what’s to go with me. My mother has always been sensitive about my having a piano, and she told me earlier under no circumstances should I risk shipping mine; it’d be easier to buy a new one. The only things I forgot to notice were my plants – the eighteen plants in the kitchen, the five seedling trays in the living room – hopefully I can persuade Sarah to give them a loving home. I can’t believe I didn’t even think about them earlier, but they’ll ultimately be the hardest thing for me to leave, along with the rest of my garden.

There are three reasons behind my thinking of leaving, regardless of the contributing factors, the largest of which is called Gina; I can’t rent out my spare room, I’m probably going to be losing my job; I hate the lifestyle London expects me to settle for.

Two years ago – a few months after my aborted move to Dublin – my plan was to move to Paris. I love Arabic music, dance and literature, so why not? I got offered a job here in London the same day I was all set to apply for jobs over there, and that job probably has the most to do with why I’m thinking of emigrating.

I can talk till I’m blue in the face and choking, but I’ll still probably never be able to explain the Project’s culture, much less what it meant to me, as a stranded half-Mexican without family. It became my family. My colleagues meant more to me than my own friends did. I didn’t question it. And then my contract came to an end. In three weeks at Lewisham, I made friends with all my colleagues, and with three of them in particular; in four weeks at the RCN, I’ve learned to despise everyone I share an office with, and have decided to revert to heavy metal to help me get through each day. I’ve listened to Egyptian and Algerian pop for ten years; this is serious regression for me.

Ultimately, however, this isn’t what I signed up for. I may have a lovely flat, but zero quality of life outside of it. I loathe my job, regardless of what I get paid to swap jokes with Fill. I’m violently phobic about being cold, which means that, apart from shivering outside on an hourly basis while at work, I’ll do all I can to avoid stepping outside for the next few months.

Most of all, however, the Mexican within is sobbing. While on the Project, I could have my sixteen plants, eighteen boxes of herbal tea and ready humour; now I’m expected to sit in a silent office and not spend too much time in the other office where people at least talk to me. I joked to Fill a few days ago that, as I’m spending so little time speaking to others, I’m having to make up for lost swearing time, but in reality, it’s my job and those outside of it who make me want to swear without ever stopping. The last time I ever felt like that was when I lived in Nicaragua, and although I don’t see the connection, I’m still startled by it.

My job is only one of the factors. For the most part, I’ve created a really lovely home for myself, only nobody wants to share it with me. At the end of the day, however, I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not. My main motive in staying in London this long was to track down Eric, and now that I’ve found him, and shed most of my Fuerteventura friends along the way, there’s nothing left to keep me here.

Margarita always said that you should leave a party while the energy was still high. I’ve got years’ worth of good memories of living in London. For the most part I don’t regret having lived here, even despite the harsh lessons it’s taught me. But despite my wanting to move to Paris, Spain or Holland, I know that all I really want is to move back home, somewhere I’ll feel less foreign, where I’ll have to waste less energy defending myself. Somewhere, where, as in ‘Insomnia’, I won’t even have to question my right to be standing there, whereas if I was in New Cross, I’d be looking around anxiously to see who was creeping up on me. I’ve said it before: I don’t like the person I become when I live in England.

I just wanna go. I don’t know how much use I’ll be to Ana and Sammi if I’m a continent and multiple time zones away, but that still wouldn’t be enough to make me stop thinking of them, much less of my Project friends. I so dearly want a Christmas lunch or dinner with Jenny, Laura, Rahat and Matt, but I do have to accept that the strangeness over my leaving may never make that possible.

It’s not even those few. Just as, at the time, my last boyfriend seemed to be the best and worst relationship I'd had, so was the Project my best and worst job. I should have emigrated then, no matter what; I should have accepted that I’d never find another workplace where I’d feel so much at home. Perhaps I want to leave because I’m no longer with them. Maybe I just feel that I’ve learned my lesson, and that I’m beyond sick of suffering.

Posted by chantal at December 6, 2004 12:37 AM

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