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November 30, 2004
Shoulder
Why should there be anything wrong in caring deeply for those in need? For choosing to empathise with those forgotten by others, or simply those who need someone to turn to?
I’ve spent most of my life caring for and helping people in need; a few years ago I made a conscious decision to do something concrete about it, and chose to do what I could to help women in abusive relationships. I’ve done a huge amount of research, I have a comprehensive library; the more I read, the more adamant I have been to do all I can to stop women in those situations from going it alone.
I gave it up a few years ago, when I got too burnt out, although from time to time, friends of mine still turn out to be in similar situations, and I can’t help but get involved, any less than I can stop caring for them. Very few friends of mine know about these women I help, apart from my mentioning them in the context of friendship; very rarely do I get so affected I need to talk more openly about what’s going on.
Maybe it’s something to do with my leaving Network Rail and still trying to adjust to being away from my friends there, and adjust to working somewhere where nobody in my office talks, except for one woman whose mouth I long to stuff with teabags so I never have to hear her voice again. My closest friends are invariably those I see and hear from on a daily basis, completely independent of the fact that none of them are particularly close friends in the normal sense. That doesn’t make me care any less for them, and by their presence, makes them far more important to me than those I only hear from sporadically.
I’ve not heard from Ana since I left work today – about 45 minutes late, as I couldn’t stop sending ridiculously silly jokes to Fill, the systems admin guy, or receiving yet more from him – I’ve texted her twice, and tried to phone her once, largely out of concern, but also out of generally missing her. The flat seems so quiet and empty without her, leaving me to mull over the various reactions I’ve had from friends over the years about my counselling work. I specifically chose emotional abuse because of the grey and largely ignored area that it is, but what I don’t expect from my friends is their complete aversion to the subject. Surely what matters is not the illogic behind what these friends are suffering, but simply the fact that they are suffering, and largely doing so in isolation because their friends are so uncomfortable with their situation. Ana doesn’t need to be told to leave her boyfriend; what she needs is a friend who will stand by her till she gathers the strength to finally make a stand for herself, who will be patient with her throughout. Yes, it’s a complicated situation, but not one which necessarily condemns Ana to struggle through this alone because those around her aren’t able to be openminded enough.
I’m fairly sure she knows that she’s the youngest woman I’ve ever helped, also the one in the most extreme relationship I’ve come across. I spent last weekend, while she was here, remembering the other women I helped over the years, all of them older, most of them with children, but most importantly, how much their contact enriched my life.
This isn’t nearly as long as I’d like it to be, but I’m so very tired. Caring for people is what I do, regardless of what they’re going through, regardless of who they are. I may not be a traditionally trained counsellor, but it’s still one of the things I do best. The downside, if that’s what it can be called, is that the only way I can be of any use is if I invest myself completely in the other person’s situation, leaving me entirely drained and upset when things go wrong, but all the same, I couldn’t imagine, much less justify doing anything less for those who are so important to me, or even simply those who could do with my help. Maybe those who are my friends can justify ignoring friends of theirs in pain or in difficulty, but if that’s the case, those are probably not people I want or need to be friends with.
Posted by chantal at November 30, 2004 11:41 PM
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