Chantal - Have Laptop Will Travel: Mexican Mouse

November 30, 2004

Mexican Mouse

Generally, the first thing people comment on when they meet me is my accent. I’m beyond fed up of the questions, of their analysing my accent when it wanders on a minute-to-minute basis, but all the more so when I’m told that I can’t be Mexican as I don’t look like the Mexicans on TV. I always think back to my Guatemalan friends back home, all far paler than I am, despite how much warmer it is there. I’ve fought hard to lose the Spanish accent I used to have – being called Mexican Mouse by Nick and Linda on a regular basis is an enormous incentive in doing so. It comes back from time to time, although I’ve only just noticed that my French accent remains firmly dormant.

Yes, I went through a phase twelve years ago when not only did I try to become as English as I could, I also set myself a photographic project to define Englishness, which involved asking everyone I knew exactly what being English meant to them. Those who know me now know that neither of those two ever amounted to anything, and that I’ve settled for being me, a mostly-foreigner but not pretending any more. At the time, I concluded that it boiled down to Monty Python, but it still strikes me that I nevertheless had to undergo that to try to understand the culture I’d been living in for most of my life.

Maybe it’s the time of year. I always go back to Guatemala for a month over Christmas and New Years, and would never consider spending it otherwise. I haven’t booked my flight yet – Ana has seen to that, for now – but I already feel that I have one foot over there, and that I’ve overstayed my time in London by so long, it would be so much easier not to return to London afterwards. Returning is so hard anyway, so hard to recover from, it’s long past time I decide not to inflict that on myself any longer. Three years ago, I bribed John into extricating me from my usual January misery, but I don’t have any such contingencies any more.

I’ve written about Central America from time to time – in San Pedro Dreams, when I was mulling over a random but compelling memory two years ago, then a week and a half ago, when I was recovering from a night in a horrendously overpacked bar in Waterloo. I don’t know if I can do the region justice, however, if I can truly convey the reality of being there, of adjusting to the lifestyle there without question, feeling at home for the first time since I was last there. I don’t like who I am when I live in London; I miss the person I am when I’m home. I can’t say that strongly enough.

When I was at university, I would return to France and Holland on a frequent basis to distance myself from the London lifestyle; once I had the chance, I would return to Central America as frequently as I could, not only to drink in how wonderful it was to be back home, but also to remind myself of what was actually important in life, and that the accessories which may be so important in London are not even worth thinking about once back there.

It’s been a hard few days. I’m completely drained by the few days Ana has spent here, and that that, as well as other background stuff, is probably why I’m thinking so hard of Central America these days, and that, regardless of the political problems and crime levels, I just really need to be back in Mexico, Guatemala, Nica or Pana, just somewhere where I don’t have to fight so hard on a day-to-day basis.

It’s the foreigner thing which always gets me, in the end. Bad enough for me to be so far away from home, but worse still to live in a country where I’ll never assimilate into the culture, never stop being made to feel foreign because of how alien the people I meet are to me. Even the ones I care deeply for are still going to remain alien, at the end of the day – but as they’re on their home ground, my foreignness will always be all the more of an issue. I know that my accent singles me out first, and my personality second, but what I learned twelve years ago is that I’m not prepared to choke myself so that I fit in. Unfortunately, I’m isolated from the Latino communities here in London, which leaves me without a space where I can truly relax and be myself without being overly conscious of whichever unspoken social codes I’m breaking, probably without even noticing.

Okay, so the main thing I appreciate about London is how multicultural it is, and how someone like me can live here and somehow fit in, whereas the other capital cities I know are too segregated to make that as possible. On the other hand, the communities it accommodates aren’t the ones I want around me; if I’m to stay in Europe, I want to be in Paris where I can at least immerse myself in the culture I’m most enamoured of, even if living there means accepting the cultural segregation and hostilities which would be harder still for me to adjust to.

But it’s not the same. Catacamas. Dirt roads, Maseca signs, the three-quarters empty supermarket on the plaza, but I never once questioned whether or not I felt at home there. I had my peones, but was criticised for wanting to buy them presents to thank them for all their hard work when the project came to an end. It’s because of all of the people I met then – the locals, not the ones on my team – that I gave up being an archaeologist, making me aware that their lives were of far more interest to me than those of their ancestors, and that I felt so much more connected with them than I ever have while living in London.

I’m sitting cross-legged on the rug I call my ‘Mexican God’ rug. I wrote last night about creating families for ourselves out of the people around us, but with Ana leaving, I’m feeling that I’ve given all I can, that I’ve done all I can, that I don’t have any more affection to give, and am not particularly likely to receive any back; and that, as an Australian friend said years ago, I have nothing left to prove by staying here. Also, as I wrote last night, accumulating family members is my way of establishing links with those I care about the most, however I know I have a whole extended family awaiting me anxiously back home.

I want to go home. I want it so much more than anything else – although I don’t necessarily know if I could stay if I did. I want to be where I’m on the same wavelength as those around me, where I don’t have to constantly justify or validate myself, or be forced into pretending to be someone I’m not. I’ve lived in so many countries, I’m used to making myself comfortable wherever I am, I know I could probably continue doing so indefinitely, but for me, life is too short to waste so much of it hiding who I am and trying to adjust to people who don’t adjust to me first.

My brother’s as much of a hybrid as I am, but at least he comes from a different background, not that it’s one I would have ever chosen for myself. We barely speak to each other, but at the very least, I don’t want him to have this geographical confusion I have. He’s never been to Central America, never lived there, would probably loathe it if he tried, but, like me, he’s picked the nationality which suits him the best and thankfully for him, it’s one which is so much easier to reconcile his everyday life with.

Maybe it’s just me being really horribly homesick. But I feel so strongly that the last few months have shown me that I don’t need to do the London crap any longer, that I don’t need to spend my strength caring for people who don’t know where I’m coming from, much less spend my days with people who can’t ever be bothered to say hello to me in the mornings. There may be so very much I dislike about being in Central America, but then all I have to do is remember being back there, and contrast that with walking home to my beloved home here in a part of London I hate bitterly.

When I was at uni, I had an English boyfriend who took all my complaints about England completely personally, but never realised what I was really saying: that I’d given this country everything I had, but at the end of the day, it would still kill me in the end. Out of the last five years, Ana has learned so much more about me than I’ve ever considered telling anyone else in the past years. As I implied last night, I would far rather spend an evening with Ana dissecting our lives than doing my best to kill time elsewhere, but maybe the main reason for that is that, for all I value the British tradition of discussion, it allows for at least as many boundaries as I have again discussing anything even vaguely personal. Christ, I want to take a sledgehammer to the brick boundary, but I just don’t know that I could count on anyone to be there on the other side once I’d finished fully working up a sweat.

I thought that my current job was my dream job. It’s not. My mother would love for me to buy a one-way ticket and settle for the best. Apart from Ana and Sammi, the people I care the most for are my Network Rail friends, and we’ve established over the last two months that we can stay in touch over email on a very frequent basis, regardless of where I am. I’ve lost interest in my garden, so the only thing still holding me here is my flat. Yes, it’s pretty much all that has held me here for the last four years, but when I think about returning to Calle Chipilapa, it doesn’t stand a chance. Fill wants to leave RCN; I just want to leave this godforsaken country.

Posted by chantal at November 30, 2004 12:42 AM

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