Chantal - Have Laptop Will Travel: A Few Days Later

November 11, 2004

A Few Days Later

So it’s meant to be my dream job. The one that made being out of work for 2 weeks worthwhile, the one which I’d been waiting for for two and a half years. An Oracle job, despite my barely being able to remember a thing about Oracle, and paying what I’d been getting at Network Rail. Behind Oxford Circus, so right in the heart of the West End, and only a block away from the other side of Regent Street and my old stomping ground. The people I’ve spoken to there couldn’t imagine working elsewhere; the perks (32 days’ leave) and people are wonderful. An email buddy downstairs has been there for two and a half years; the only person in my office I’ve had anything resembling a conversation with has been there approximately 15 years. Each time she thinks of leaving, she gets pregnant. Her third child is due in 4 months.

I’ve now been there for three days. Yesterday I was painfully tired, still recovering from an extremely long leaving party on Friday, so was more despondent than usual; though I was still tired today, the job seems harder to bear when I’m more awake. My mother emails me to remind me that this job is a godsend and to treat it as such; she’s aware that the personalities of my brother and I are a little too strong, and she doesn’t want to see me jeapordise this job in any way, or to repeat patterns of past jobs, generally involving pissing off certain women and losing my job soon after.

Yes, especially after over a year of fighting with the Furball constantly, it’s been gratifying to hear that my last boss liked me – enough to overlook the fact that I spent more time chatting than actually working – and that my current one hired me on the strength of liking me, regardless of my actual skills. But liking me, and then plonking me at a desk surrounded by empty desks, in an office with people who rarely talk to each other, and skimping on instructions or information seems a huge contradiction to me.

I know that most of the people who’ll read this are those I’ve worked with in the past; Matt, Jenny, Simon and Ian know how hard it was for me to even contemplate not sitting with them day after day, chatting, bantering, bonding, spitting about the Furball. Even though I was usually too busy to chat too often, I’d still feel their absences very strongly when they weren’t there, and avidly look forward to their return. Though I was closest to our Furballed Crowd, I still also cared deeply for my regular visitors, as well as those who phoned or emailed from the other offices. On the day that I heard that my contract extension hadn’t been renewed, I spent an hour or more with Laura at the other building, and returned glowing. At Lewisham, I finally got to spend time chatting, without the usual intense pressure of work, meaning that it seemed I’d spend most of my day chatting with Dominic, and what was left, with Zak, Stacey and Joe.

So I get strongly attached to my friends at work, I get very fond of them. The Project was probably very much a family substitute for me, and Lewisham a Project substitute, but it doesn’t mean I care for any of them any less. I’ve developed such strong homing pigeon instincts since, and because of joining the Project, that it’s maybe easier for me to let work become my life, and let the rest of my friends become peripheral due to their absence from so much of it. When I’m at home, my time is my own, whether or not I spend it chatting to friends or emailing them; during the bulk of the day, I’m missing my PSU and Lewisham friends.

All the more now. I’ve spent three days wracking my brain for things to do to pass the time, and loathing the silence in the office, even counting the number of words I exchange with people as they’re so few. I joke that, as I’m surrounded by empty desks, I can hardly chat with them, but given my work habits, it’s deathly for me to have nobody to chat to from time to time, no conversations to join in on, not to mention no clear instructions on what I should be doing, much less how to do what I’m meant to be doing. Jeff (who sits behind me) at least smiles whenever I walk past; Sam, our administrator, generally ignores me. I shared a cigarette earlier with Liz, the pregnant closet smoker, and that was the longest conversation I’d had with anyone so far. She told me that my boss had lost the two London-based members of his team due to lack of management and instructions, which doesn’t really encourage me to believe that things will improve any. Most of his team is based in Cardiff, which means that for now, it’s just me, him, and two empty desks. And when work has been the focus of my life for nearly two years, it’s hard to summon the strength to turn up in the mornings, hard not to simply give up during the course of the day.

Oh yeah, the commute. I often gloated at Network Rail about how much I loved my commute – 15 mins in the morning (seats on both trains), 10 mins on a direct train in the afternoon. It would have been 10 mins by train to Catford, but I got sick of waiting on trains which had no intention of arriving. One day, when the bus home was completely full of schoolkids, the bus apparently broke down soon after leaving Catford; as soon as all of the schoolkids had gotten off the bus, the driver turned the engine back on again and sailed off.

I was looking on the internet earlier, and actually found the technical term for crowdophobia. Would masochism-averse do instead? Getting off the train at London Bridge, and seeing a neverending sea of people ahead of you, all trying to get out of the station ahead of you? Getting down to the Jubilee line platform, and it’s so crowded, that even by walking to the far end of the platform, you can still only carve out a small space for yourself on the second tube which comes along. Getting off at Bond Street station, and the crowds for the escalators are so huge, even shuffling along slowly is too fast. It’s about three minutes from the station to the office. It takes 15 minutes to get from the platform to the office.

I shouldn’t be despairing this much, after only three days. At least yesterday I had the excuse of being horrendously tired, which always makes the world seem worse, and although the emails I get from Network Rail make me grateful not to be working there any more, this really does seem a job so badly suited to me. If nothing else, I’m meant to be working on a project to monitor email, internet and phone usage. After 3 days, my Inbox now has over a hundred emails (today was a quiet day), as does my Sent Items folder. I justify it by the lack of conversation – if nobody present’s going to talk to me, then I’ll bloody well talk to those who aren’t there.

I was going to write two separate pieces, I don’t know, maybe I’ll separate this one sometime soon.

The other thing on my mind is Relationships. For someone who’s avidly avoided anything beyond friendship for the last few years, it’s … I don’t know. I guess my emails and conversations with Ana remind me of the days when it wasn’t just me, my laptop and two harps – something I’m feeling all the more, I suppose, with the lack of flatmate, and not having anything warm-blooded to return home to besides the odd spider, and mouse with a migraine. Not that I mind at all, but our lengthy emails have become discussions of her current relationship and my past ones; whenever Sammi texts me with a relationship crisis, I’ll phone her straight away.

It’s been so long since I was 16 or 20, I don’t remember what it’s like to be windowshopping or trapped in a relationship at those ages. At 16, I was too busy rediscovering the world; at 20, well, there was a lot of other stuff going on. I’ve researched and counselled enough to know well what Ana’s going through, but at the same time, being single has taught me that it’s something too valuable to give up lightly, for just anyone, that my time spent alone is worth more than spending it with someone I’m not likely to still like in a few days’ time. Or with someone who doesn’t justify the loss of quality time spent on my own.

Maybe I’m just getting old. Or maybe I don’t have so much patience for people any more (when I went to the corner shop earlier for cigarettes, a guy came in claiming he was a gangster. I was far from polite towards him, and after he left, I asked if I could thump the customers). I can’t even start to comment on teenage life and hormones, but I know that Ana and I are different enough, that though I can support her in her relationship, there’s no way her boyfriend would survive were we to swap places. As you can tell, I hardly have a fear of being alone, yet I’ve also had to support various friends through bad relationships because they couldn’t bear to be single, that they’d just hold in there till something better came along, or till the situation got so bad they’d have no choice.

As you can probably tell, I haven’t exactly thought this bit out too well. Partly it’s the irony of me, of all people, becoming a relationship counsellor again – or even just someone female friends turn to about their relationship stuff. Also the bizarre situation of so much of my life being so caught up with relationships, when none of them are my own; my friendships of the last few years have been so important to me, I’ve barely noticed or cared. But I guess, with all that I try to reassure Ana that her current boyfriend isn’t the only guy out there for her, with a job that’s not lived up to its promise, I’m starting to wonder if there’s someone out there who’s amused by my wandering accent, my offbeat humour and cultural holes. Maybe it’s that time of year, maybe it’s that the intensity of the last two years has settled into nothingness. Or maybe….

I should get to bed. I don’t know who’ll read this, though at least I don’t have to put up with endless spam in the comments section any more. Tomorrow has to be better; I’m hardly living in hope of some direction from my new boss, or a mass epidemic which restrains all other commuters at home, and I can hardly expect Ana and my Network Rail buddies to email me every few minutes to compensate for the deafening silence (alleviated slightly by Hossam Ramzy, Bowie and Faudel). Although I didn’t exactly leave Network Rail, and though I did leave Lewisham, surely my absence from both, and my friends from both places has to be worth more than isolation, killing time, and trying very hard to not go anywhere near the glass outer wall of the building given we’re so very high up.

Posted by chantal at November 11, 2004 12:32 AM

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