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October 31, 2004

Again

Again

Elizabeth.

She’s been part of my life for so long, I can barely remember when I first met her. But it was a week before she started working at the nursing home, and she was then only engaged to the nightmare of her husband-to-be. It was an inexorable process; no matter how much she wanted out, the wedding had been arranged, the house had been bought, and her life with him was fixed. She was far from happy with her fiancé, but things had been too meticulously planned for her to be able to back out.

Though we’ve spent so very many hours on the phone over the years, my strongest memory of her is from three years ago. I was working in Social Services, and ours was the only team without internet access. Due to my colleagues’ conspiring against me, I’d have to spend my lunchbreaks at the internet café, returning again after work to quickly check in before my dance class. I don’t remember what she said in that particular email, I only remember being so upset on her behalf that I could barely dance that night. Normally my dance classes took me away from the everyday world; that evening, all I could do was feel her pain.

I don’t know why I don’t stay in touch with her. I’m so proud of what she’s achieved over the years, leaving her husband and her subsequent boyfriend, despite the convenience he offered. She’s suffered so much in the years that I’ve known her – despite my frequent absences from her life – that all I want from her is to be as happy as she can be, preferably surrounded by many Scottish men with to-die-for accents, and for her to glow at their attention. Failing that, just to be content, and proud of what she’s achieved over the years. She has done nothing to deserve being buried in a Canadian hick town, and for all she’s survived, she should be entitled to buy one-way tickets for herself and her son to Edinburgh, check into a luxury hotel for a night to give their new life the best possible start, and take it from there. It can hardly work out worse than what she’s been through so far, and, at best, offer her all that she’s missed out on through giving her heart to the wrong people.

Maybe I’m one of them. She’s known me for long enough that she knows of my tendency to disappear for weeks or months at a time. A few months ago, we spent hours on the phone; I was upset about a good friend at work who’d announced that she was leaving, she was upset about her boyfriend and life in general. She had an entrance exam the next day, but in the course of our many-hour phone call, we decided that she’d ditch the exam, and move here. Over the next few days, the two of us were in a websearching frenzy, for her to get set up here rather than in Canada. We stayed on the phone for so long that the exam didn’t stand a chance, and she happily missed it anyway. We spent the next few weeks planning her move to England (as that’s where I was, as opposed to Scotland with the sexy accents), when I was offered an interview for a job in the States. And, despite whichever outcome of the interview, she realised I wouldn’t necessarily be here indefinitely for her. And we’ve not spoken, and barely emailed since.

Since then, my work situation has been so hectic that I’ve not been able to stay in touch with her. I’ve never stopped feeling guilty for her missing her exam, for her being stuck in Orangeville after all her plans, for me not being able to commit to being her anchor on a long-term basis. A friend used to ask me, what with all these women I was counselling and helping, who was helping me? – but, ultimately, as there wasn’t anyone, I’d have to retreat so as to protect myself. And of everyone I know, Elizabeth is the main victim of my absences.

I’m not sure why I’m so upset tonight. I keep remembering that night in the dance studio, having read an email from Elizabeth shortly before, feeling too heavy with misery on her behalf to be able to dance.

I’ve only known Ana for a few weeks. I’m looking for a flatmate; similar to Elizabeth, where she and her son Anthony, in an ideal world, would be living somewhere in the Scottish Highlands or Edinburgh, Ana would be far away from her boyfriend and getting on with her life. The problem is, she’s not ready yet. I know that something bad, something far worse than what she’s yet experienced has to happen before she’ll leave for the final time, but as I told her last night, I so don’t want her to go through that, to have to process the trauma of whatever event that is in addition to the last two years of her life. Although I only met her for the first time yesterday, she has become such a vivid person to me through the emails she sends me, and it seems to me that she has so much passion for life which is only slightly suppressed by her boyfriend’s influence. I fully accept, however, that she’s not yet ready to leave him, and being with him is the only lifestyle she’s really known since moving to London, whatever it costs. Maybe it’s because I’ve not yet met Elizabeth, but to have met Ana, to have spent hours talking to her then help her leave her boyfriend, I can’t help but feel that, even if I can’t be involved in her ultimately leaving her boyfriend, I can at least try to help guide her towards leading her own life and making her own choices. I gather that she doesn’t have the sort of friends who know and understand what she’s going through, so, upsetting as it may be for me to be there for her when she needs it, at possibly the worst time imaginable for me – her difficulty at separating herself from her boyfriend of about a year and a half versus my difficulties in separating myself from close friends at work of a similar length in time – I want her to know that at least someone understands what she’s going through, and for all my feelings on the subject, I won’t judge her choices, as her boyfriend is doing more than enough of that as it is.

I’m just feeling upset. I’ve had an exhausting week, we were up till almost 5 am this morning, and when I got up from a nap this afternoon, she was jittery and anxious to return to her boyfriend. I’d given her a book to read, which I’d hoped would help her reassess her feelings, and a piece I’d written years ago, a few months after I first met Elizabeth, but in her rush to get home, she left both behind. As well as a pillow. I don’t know why I’m feeling so upset, but maybe it’s because of her getting so far, then retreating, to a situation I don’t want to even picture, despite how she’s described it. I knew last night that she wasn’t ready to leave, so her phone call at about 2.30am came as a shock, but I’d really hoped that she’d have been strong enough to stay, to resist the urge to return to a horrible situation she shouldn’t have to be involved in. At 20, she shouldn’t have to deal with things outside her control or which are nothing to do with her; her boyfriend’s problems aren’t hers’; her relationship isn’t an endurance test.

I don’t particularly remember being 20, therefore I can’t try to imagine being in her situation at her age. I do know that any man who tried to treat me the way her boyfriend treats her would be in hospital, or possibly a morgue, but being with her boyfriend is something she needs to do, something she needs to get out of her system before she’ll be ready to move on. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so upset; she’s so lovely, so vital, yet she’s willing to put that on hold to support someone who doesn’t appreciate how lucky he is to have her support, who takes it for granted and screws things up all the more, secure in the knowledge that she’ll be there for him.

As with Elizabeth, I want her to know that she’s not alone in this any more, that no matter how bad things get, she’s got someone who understands what she’s going through and doesn’t shock easily.

Normally my maternal feelings are confined to my harp; it’s taken Ana, so young and with so much ahead of her, to make me feel the same for a non-wooden, flesh-and-blood object. I guess I’m not so much upset that she’s returned, so much as the prospect of what she’s returning to and what she’ll have to endure until her next break for freedom.

I know that the statistics are that one woman in four lives like this, and that that one woman in four returns seven times till she leaves for good, but when you get to know that one woman and see her off, back to her abuser, there’s not a whole lot that can make it any easier for the person seeing her off.

I’m tired and drained. Though I’ve got zero desire to be a mother, maybe this is what it’s like – to stand by helplessly while they make their choices, conscious of the emotional and psychological costs, but all the same, helpless to intervene.

Posted by chantal at October 31, 2004 12:36 AM

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