Chantal - Have Laptop Will Travel: Home Sweet Home

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November 16, 2002

Home Sweet Home

So I’ve been back in London for six and a half weeks now. I’ve been planning to write a piece on being back in London, but have been too lazy; I’ve also been wanting to write a piece on Dublin in retrospect, but have been waiting to feel less homicidal towards my Dublin housemates. There have been reasons for not writing any of the pieces I’ve had in mind.

It’s a Saturday night, and a Mike Figgis film is on FilmFour right now. The alternative was seeing one of my favourite guitarists, Eric Roche, perform, but that would have involved returning to 12 Bar Club, not something I was prepared to do.

I had very specific ideas and expectations in my mind when I returned to London. Before I returned, even: I was struggling in Dublin and hesitant to even consider leaving, giving up. Even though it felt so fantastic to be back in London the two times I returned, I was still committed to trying to stick out my new life in Dublin, however unsatisfying. It was only when I considered the financial ramifications that I began to see a way out.

Back in Dublin, I had told myself that should I return to London, I would never take it for granted again, would never lurk long-term at home, but take advantage of all that was on offer: dance, music, classes, activities, random festivals, etc. Above all, I wanted to throw myself back into my dance classes and music, after my disappointing experiences of both in Dublin. London had metamorphosed from a city I bitterly disliked to one which had great resources and a flat I was very attached to.

I had also expected that my housemates would forward me my Irish salary and deposit very quickly. I had been paid two days before I left Dublin, and arrived in London with a bit over £100 and a job interview in Nottingham the next day; it would be four weeks before I received another paycheck, and even that one was not for a full week. I also had to cover my rent and accumulation of bills with that money.

Hence: change of plans. I’ve stayed in most nights, avoiding spending money when and where I could. I’m going on holiday in two weeks, and actually want to have something resembling money in my account when I return. I also never want to experience the financial horrors of my first weeks back in London, endlessly trying to pursue my money and remaining belongings in Dublin without success or much hope. So although there are things I would like to do, buy, replace – for example my three newly-dead potted palms – I enjoy my lifestyle too much right now to mind. I haven’t returned to my contemporary dance classes, only my Egyptian dance classes, which finish next week. For three years I’ve had some inexplicable block against belly dance classes, and right now they’re one of the things I’m enjoying the most about being back in London.

The hunt for Arabic music is going less well, unfortunately. Not only are gigs on Tuesdays, the same day as my dance classes, but whichever reason prevents me from going to the former also applies to dance classes. I’ve known for months that Faudel would be peforming a few weeks ago. I actually only know one song of his, ‘Tellement N’Brick’, which I used to dance to when I was working as a belly dancer. What I didn’t count on, after all those months of anticipation and build-up – when I decided to stay on in London, probably my first thought was that I would be able to see him after all – was that I would be suffering too much from a heavy night the night before and ended up quietly moaning to myself at home instead. Or maybe I went to sleep around the time Faudel was due on stage. Another Arabic band, Fantasia, was performing in nearby Camberwell a few Fridays ago. It would be within a few blocks of where my ex-boyfriend lives – who I have no intention of ever seeing again – yet I barely even considered that. Home, quick bath, and then to the bus stop. Two buses, both very frequent, would take me there. I got bored of waiting, and walked to the next stop. After 15 minutes, a 36 finally turned up. It made it as far as the next stop. New Cross Gate is not a vaguely pleasant place to wait for a bus at night, or at least on that night, so I slowly walked back the way I came. In half an hour, neither bus so much as showed. I returned home, desolate, and spent the rest of the evening chatting happily online with two Canadian friends.

On my previous visit to London, within minutes I was horrified by the attitude of Londoners, how aggressive and hostile they are. I’ve not noticed it since. Perhaps that has been due to my shift in perspective, being so readily grateful and happy to be here. Perhaps also due to not going out much, and avoiding heavily stressed strangers. I’m trying to think of the pleasant encounters I’ve had since I’ve been back, but few come to mind, except for the local shopkeepers; they’re very pleased that I’m back to stay, and tonight the owner of the nearby internet café – I only ever go there every few months, if even that often – asked me where I’d been, when I’d next drop by. Friendly male-bashing with a Virgin shop assistant. Eavesdropping on a Dublin couple on holiday in London while on a night bus. Normally I would spend each day feeling increasingly crushed by the negativity of London and its inhabitants, but little, except my Dublin housemates, have managed to break through my cheer.

This is partly due to improved working conditions. The two women who made our workload ridiculous have both left, and the other woman, Tracey, who made working hours an unbearable form of torture, accompanied by back pain, headaches and migraines, is on a six-week sick leave. My mornings are fairly lazy, my afternoons often absurdly busy, yet I get to spend most of my time working on technical problems, however mundane, which I do with great relish. We have a bizarre printing problem at work; I managed to fix one person’s computer, but then a pair of local IT visited and now nobody can print. In addition to the usual problems, I’ve created three Hotmail accounts, helped our surrogate boss with online shopping, and shown others how to use their computer more so that I can do their work less.

It’s everything IBM is not – including bankrupt – and although I have to stress that to myself at times, I’m oddly enjoying it. I think partly it’s due to being acknowledged and appreciated by my seven colleagues, who often beg me not to leave them. After being so interminally bored at IBM, it was a novelty and a relief to be busy again, but I’ve decided I prefer the middle ground. I also prefer functional equipment: I found the design specs for our fax machine, which is officially only capable of handling 12 pages at a time. Given there are seven lawyers each trying to fax documents of up to 60 pages at a time, the two times the printer has managed to scan 18 or 20 pages, I’ve decided it’s proof that it’s on its last legs. The photocopier can’t handle bulk photocopying, which is what we use it for, and the printer is confused as to which tray is which. Sometimes I get annoyed, sometimes I laugh. The rest of the time I spend frantically trying to find a memory card for the fax machine on the internet. One of the lawyers is occasionally patronising, but I get on well with her the rest of the time, and find myself missing her at weekends. Another of the lawyers is helping me with my council tax problems, which I would be more grateful for if I didn’t know he’s dodging his own council tax.

I think my main regrets are that I don’t have more money, and that the last weeks have not been more sociable. Being the email junkie that I am, it’s excruciating not to be able to email more at work, and to be too inhibited by phone bills to email from home. The first weeks when I returned were the most sociable, laying to rest my apprehensions about saying goodbye to all my friends followed by a casual hello again a few weeks later. Unfortunately that was the time when my head was most filled with confusion about what to do next, when I would have been best off at home spring cleaning my mind. Since starting this job at Hackney I’ve been chronically exhausted – I didn’t stay for the second belly dance class this week as I was yawning so much, I was afraid I’d be thrown out if the teacher caught me yawning yet again – and grateful for my quiet evenings at home, also for the commute home with one of the lawyers who lives nearby. The people I have the most contact with are my parents, a friend of my brother’s and my flatmate, also a friend I met in Nicaragua at New Year’s and who has recently moved from nearby to Bath. There are those I miss hearing from and seeing, especially those who were so much a feature of my day that I miss that regular contact with them. There are others who are obvious in their silence, who leave me intrigued and bemused; still others whose friendships I had hoped to build on by being here, but who have been otherwise busy and preoccupied. Had it been a few months ago, I would have been far more bothered and upset, but I’m satisfied with the time which I do manage to spend with friends, especially given my current energy levels and overall lack of availability.

I can keep my feelings about my Dublin housemates separate from those towards Dublin itself. One I despise bitterly, as for the other I feel sad that I didn’t enjoy it more, and hope to do so in the future. I think you know which is which. What it boiled down to, I think, is that I am not the kind of person who can settle easily in a city such as Dublin; I need too much which it – and many other cities – cannot offer, and which I am not prepared to do without. I did not resume my non-Celtic music career shortly before leaving London only to abandon it, nor was I comfortable with the idea of travelling outside Dublin once weekly for my contemporary dance class fix as a viable substitute for the four classes I had been taking weekly, exclusive of rehearsals, in Central London. Certainly I had been intrigued by the new, as yet unknown direction which my life would take in this new city, yet my creative outlets were limited to writing, and my exploration to the very short cul-de-sac we lived on. I loved the number of resident magpies in Drumcondra, and miss the haphazard method of crossing roads. I never made it to the Taekwondo school in the city centre. Nor did I ever return to O’Donohue’s to play. I know that Dublin is not somewhere I would immediately choose to live – I need multiculturalism, as opposed to a very strong national culture – but when a musician friend, Madge, offered to go to Dublin to collect my poor parrot, clothes and books, I was excited by the idea of going with her and showing her around. Above all, I’m intensely grateful for the few weeks I had in Dublin for the lessons it taught me and how it’s shaped my life as a result.

I can’t not mention my home. I’ve gone from being intensely grateful for being there every evening when I draw the curtains and switch on the lamps, having spent much of the day tidying and scrubbing, to looking for ways of mending and improving: hanging pictures, sorting out the kitchen cupboards and drawers, bequeathing covers to my coverless duvets, repainting, finishing the curtains, which have been held up by needles for the last two years, making two more dance skirts, and all the other little touches needed to transform this flat from a slightly neglected to a completely appreciated one. That requires more energy and time than I have at present, but when I’m asked about relocation I don’t even have to pause before refusing.

Finally: I had my vindication. I spoke to an IT recruitment agent last week, who told me that the best thing I could have done was to leave IBM so hastily, that a few weeks on my CV was far better than several drawn-out months. Nobody had told me when I accepted the job what a negative reputation they have within the industry, that they are renowned for poor training and treatment of staff. I think I was having a bad day at the time, but glowed till I went to sleep.

Posted by chantal at November 16, 2002 03:24 PM

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