Chantal - Have Laptop Will Travel: Markers

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October 21, 2002

Markers

Physically scarred people have a different understanding of permanence, how momentary events will leave a permanent mark on them, no matter how brief the accident or incident. At least emotional scars can be hidden, over time; in time, people can learn how to disguise and distance themselves. Physical scars fade slowly, so that long after they have faded from memory, they are still visible to those transfixed by them and their story.

Some people tattoo themselves to illustrate the mark of time; others choose to tattoo themselves to hide how life has marked them. Tattoos can represent photos for others: permanent visual ownership of periods in their life that will always retain a significance and a story over the years. It also represents a proof of resilience, the ability to return to the tattooist’s needle time and again, and suffering the pain until the ink has settled within the body. Admittedly, I’ve never actually seen any tattoos covering scars; I wonder if the skin is of unsuitable quality, too tough, but actually I see too few tattoos anyway. I imagine that a large image would have to be selected, ostentatious enough in itself, as the location would not necessarily be a logical place to have a tattoo. Also, due to the different texture of the skin, the ink would not take as well, producing irregularities within a small space. The permanency of the tattoo would then become by association an extension of the original scar, which would fade and vanish far sooner than the picture on top will. Each time the owner would look at the picture he would be reminded of the original incident, a reminder he would be stuck with for far longer, but which would be far more easily explicable and insignificant to others.

I don’t think people really appreciate how situations and events affect them. No matter how comfortable you become with a situation, the fact may be that you have had to teach yourself how to adjust, and a period of deadjustment needs to follow. Even in negative situations, where you are surviving on a day-to-day basis, mere freedom is not enough: a lengthy period of reeducation and readjustment are still needed before you can truly feel you have left those experiences behind. Leaving before you are ready is not enough, does not jumpstart the process or buy you extra time; nostalgia is an unfortunate human habit, and the desire to leave an unfamiliar situation for a familiar, however unsuitable one, is all too natural an instinct.

How many people bitterly hate their jobs, yet cannot bring themselves to relinquish the stability and security it offers them? Is it an indication of insecurity, that for as long as they go to work every day they have the company of those who understand and listen to their suffering, whereas if they were to leave, they would be faced with the uncertainty of unemployment and the realisation that their job actually had positive aspects they now cannot replace or regain? Or does their job, even their dislike of it, identify them to such an extent that they do not have the confidence to seek a new situation where they have to start over completely, forge a new identity within the workplace where others may not have as much time for them? Certainty the instability of the job market plays a large role, I know, and the scarcity of jobs per potential employee does not help, but the security of a guaranteed income, and the demands of a full-time job can be deterrents to consciously seeking an alternative. You can always assure yourself that your current situation is not so bad, that there aren’t necessarily better and more suitable opportunities elswhere really.

I have read in several places that every cell in the body replaces itself over a seven year period. That means that the body we own bears little relation to the one we knew seven and a half, even eight years ago. If genetic markers were not so strong, would that mean we would look in the mirror to find a different hair or eye colour, that we might grow in height or shrink? Yet if our bodies remain externally the same, how frequent are the psychological overhauls, besides the obvious answer – when we make them happen? We can read self help and personal growth books and pay no attention to them besides their presence in our bookshelves; we can focus while reading them, appreciating their lessons and striving to achieve the goals set in each.

But what of the people who do not have such resources? Who experience ongoing turning points in their lives, yet are unaware or unable to take advantage of them as, perhaps, their situation is not one that can be easily altered in any way. Their life and the world around them is screaming at them to wake up and change; perhaps they look another way, perhaps they reply wearily, ‘Can’t now. Might have time next week.’ And then forget, absorbed in a new set of indicators that things need to change.
A few months on, not being in that situation any longer does not necessarily bring them any happiness. Yet all others can see is how fortunate they are, how grateful they should be, and why aren’t they? Physical turmoil is so much easier to be aware of than emotional, yet both have deterrent effects. Scars of either type need to not define a person in others’ eyes; physical scars should be accepted and fundamentally ignored, while emotional scars need to be acknowledged and accepted. The woman whose parents divorced unexpectedly needs to know she can talk about her feelings about this, no matter how long after the fact, without fearing she will lose friends due to their aversion, or that she is simply boring those she chooses to confide in. Because friends’ lives have moved on, they cannot always accept that some aspects of others’ lives move on, too, but at a much slower pace.

After all, do you complain that soap operas have no awareness of their own history, how they studiously avoid referring to past events? A good friendship is the opposite, where there is the continuity and remembrance of each other’s past. Knowing hidden parts of friends’ lives does not change who the person is that you are friends with; if anything, you have been granted a deeper understanding of them. And what does it say about the people you have chosen as your friends when they would prefer to avoid you on the grounds of simply having listened to you talk about what it is you have yourself suffered and lived through.

My point: transition is not an instantaneous action, a snap decision is not always that.

The person who decides to drive home after too many drinks and finds an accident coming his way will know that his life will never be the same again, maybe to such an extent that people treat him differently due to his appearance, forcing him to acknowledge his previous judgement of similarly damaged people. Or if the accident is narrowly avoided, will he continue to drink and drive or be more conscientious, having realised in that split second all he stood to lose? People can build their lives too heavily around regrets, too obsessed with what went wrong or what did not happen, to realise that they are missing out on what life could offer them, or indeed the lessons of the events holding them back, because their perspective of current opportunities is filtered by their resentment of previous ones. They cannot turn back time in order to change each to their preference, nor can they disacknowledge their entire past as every identity needs a background.

Perhaps a brief event – finding yourself in a threatening situation which you manage to escape – does not have as serious repercussions; the moment at which you escape may be one of exhiliration, a taste of strength, freedom and all that you are capable of. And that moment of truth at that point is not something you are likely to forget easily, regardless of the lesson. It taught you about choices, caution and self-worth, among other things; by the time the shock wears off, perhaps the resolve and exhiliration have as well. Again, it may have been an important opportunity for you to review your life and the changes that needed to be made, however our natural reaction to trauma is to bury all emotions and memories attached to it.

If you see someone with fading scars, it’s likely you won’t find out the story behind them. Perhaps the person is someone eager to relive past trauma, or perhaps they do not see how events of the past bear relation to who they are today, except in how it has changed and redefined them. Someone who can acknowledge their past difficulties and leave it at that may or may not be specifically that, however there is no social etiquette or rules for these situations. Being able to see beyond the person’s scars or stories is more important than fixating on them until that is all that you can see. What you’re seeing is the ghost of the person in front of you, perhaps swallowing your vision until you can no longer hear what they’re saying.

Posted by chantal at October 21, 2002 03:43 PM

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